Saturday, December 29, 2012

Don't Believe The Lies That You Tell Yourself

My parents tell me that I was a happy child in the beginning. Apparently as a toddler I was friendly and outgoing.  But somehow, sometime before my memories begin, I was infiltrated with a damaging lie.  Sometime in my formative years the idea that I wasn't good enough began to seep into my heart. 

I was shy, I was empathetic and I was chubby - a dangerous combination in a public school where kids acted up, teased, and took down the 'little guy' so they could ease their own ache a little.  I don't know if the lies started with them, with the devil or with myself - but I believed them.  I believed that I was ugly.  I believed that I was weird.  And worst of all, I believed that I was unlovable. 

Of course I knew that my family loved me - but they had to, right?  I had a few friends, but frankly they often weren't much nicer to me than my enemies.  And the more I believed I wasn't worthy of friendship, the fewer friends I had. 

Eventually, we moved to a new state and started a new school (private all-girls' school).  Even though I met new friends and got involved in activities, I still felt lonely, still felt like a freak.  I felt fat and ugly and awkward and couldn't bear to look a boy in the eyes.  I tried to blend in with the walls, because disappearing was so much less painful than risking rejection.  I thought of myself as someone with few real friends, who would always be a loser.

Even when I starved myself down to 95 pounds, I still felt ugly, still felt like a freak.  I still didn't believe I was worthy of friendship or real love.  I always assumed that I'd end up with whatever guy would deign to be with me, who probably wouldn't treat me well because, fankly, he'd be settling.

And then I grew up.  I met this guy who treats me like a princess and doesn't feel like he's settling at all.  He helped a lot to open my eyes to the truth. 

And, oddly enough, I had my biggest revelation while digging through my boxes of old photos.  Not only was I not nearly as fat or awkward looking as I'd thought, but I wasn't unpopular, either.  I found photos of parties I hosted where 20+ people showed up.  I found photo on photo of myself posing in groups of smiling girls, all of whom I considered to be good friends.  I recently had a boy I knew a long time ago tell me "oh, yeah, I always thought you were pretty, I just didn't ask you out because we were into different stuff."  Wow - boys noticed me?  I had real friends?  I wasn't a freak? 

Everything I've believed for the last 25 years has been a lie!

And worst of all, I was the one lying to myself.  Excluding a few (probably not atypical) instances in jr. high, no one else has ever told me I was fat, ugly, or weird.  In retrospect, the boys who picked on me were, essentially, dipping my pigtails in the inkwell - they were flirting.  The only reason I didn't feel like a part of the group was because I chose to withdraw. 

And most importantly, I allowed these lies to fester because I didn't believe the greatest truth of all.  God loves me.  HE made me worthy.   Nothing I do or don't do can change that truth.  Nothing someone says, nothing I say to myself will ever change the fact that my worth comes from God.  HE will always love me no matter what. 

Sometimes the lies come back.  Sometimes I still feel like I'm worthless.  But those are the moment I decide to change my focus.  I stop thinking about how I feel and start thinking about what I can do.  It's hard to feel like a loser when you're doing something good for someone else. 

So the next time you feel down on yourself, ask yourself this - are my feelings true? or are they just lies I'm telling myself?  So often our self-perception is SO inaccurate.  We don't know exactly how the world sees us because it doesn't tell us.  But we know how God feels about us because HE told us - HE showed us. 

Don't believe the lies.  Believe the truth.  You are worthy, you are loved.  You are good enough!


  1. I appreciate your courage in posting this important self-revelation. It may have a significantly positive impact in another person's life--and that will definitely be one of the good things you DO.

  2. I absolutely love this. And can totally relate. I also spent way too much time and energy lying to myself. I'm so glad you have come to the same realization that I once did. We are worthy! Happy New Year, Cat!

  3. I LOVE this post so much! Thank you for being so honest. I can't tell you how much I love finding blogger friends who love Jesus and share about what He is to them. I have a post I wrote a couple days ago that's similar to this..just haven't pushed that publish button yet. But it's been on my heart for a while and it was so good to read something like it on your page.


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